Friday, January 24, 2014

Gym Membership

For every recent grad, shedding a few of those accidental beer pounds becomes first priority upon receiving your diploma. For the first time in four years you will find yourself in an unusual situation. You will have something adults call a “salary” and you should make no attempt to save it at all.

So, you have a shit ton of money and zero friends what should you do? Well…get your fat ass, to a gym! UGHH I know moving is hard and going to the gym really cuts into your drinking alone time. Alas, a gym membership may be beneficial for making those sluts, that are still in college, jealous of your post grad bod. 

Recently, I myself had to face the fact that my late night relationship with cheesy bread sticks may have had some negative affects on my figure. So I joined a gym. Upon joining, I was told that the kind staff at my gym would generously provide me with a non biased health evaluation. Confident in my athletic abilities, I came to the consult prepared to hear how flawless I already was. 

Unfortunately, one step on their “all knowing”, body fat scale revealed that I was unknowingly obese. FUCK! This is something that every post grad will definitely go through. Long gone are the days of simply wandering around the gym in Lulu Lemon looking good. Now, you might actually need to sweat because you probably look terrible in your Lulu Lemons and have for quite some time. Thank god you've been perpetually intoxicated for four straight years and did not notice how fat your ass looked in sweatpants.  

***HINT: Your workout regime will only be successful if your Powerade is actually vodka. Lets get real somethings, like your undeniable alcoholism, will never change. 

Happy Sweating!


Preparing for an Interview

One simple rule to moving back home with Mom and Dad. Suck at interviewing. I’ll give you five easy steps to a terrible interview that will get you that golden ticket back home:

NEVER research the company- Fuck them they should research you. Who gives a shit about whatever the fuck ProV in Akron, Ohio is selling. So you sell a metal screw that is crucial to the success of some fucking auto part. Who cares ProV!  You suck, I don’t want your shit and no one else does, so don’t get pissed at me when I don’t know what you sell.

Always tell the truth- This seems obvious but any successful interviewer will tell you to lie as much as possible. So if you want to land that dream spot in your parents’ basement, tell the company how you have zero experience with software X but you’re really great with Microsoft Word! 

Say UM A LOT! If you think you haven’t said UM enough throw in a few more just for fun. 

Just in case the interview’s going well, make sure to turn the volume up on your phone. So when your phone goes off (and it will go off) you can pretty much guaranteed that the job is not yours. 

BE HUNGOVER- Be as hung over as possible. I’m not talking a few glasses of wine the night before. I’m talking an all night binger. So that when morning rolls around, your brain is so fucked up that even if you had something smart to say you mentally can’t form complete sentences.

If you guys follow these simple yet highly sophisticated steps the American Dream of living at home will be yours.