Tuesday, July 22, 2014

3 Ways to Deal with People who Only Talk About Their Kids

When you get into the real world mundane things, like your coworkers talking about their children, will make you want to physically harm yourself. For example, I know more about my cube-mate’s daughter, Hailey (age 11 but will be 12 on Friday, on two swimming and soccer teams and loves to bake), then I do about any other person in my office.

If you have children, just a heads up, your child is not special and is probably EXTREMELY average. You are average, your husband is even more average so your kid is undoubtedly average as fuck.

There is no better form of birth control than listening to a women talk about waking up at 5:00 AM to take her daughter to an all-day swim meet. Yeah… never in a million years.

And once the “kid talker” starts there is usually little you can do to direct the conversation elsewhere. However, I have established a few ways to deal with these people in a loving and professional way:

1. If you've heard the same enchanting tale about their kid for the millionth time, professionally acknowledge that you've already heard their story.

Coworker: “Ryan hit a homer in t-ball last Saturday”
You: “Oh really, that story was marginally interesting on Monday, but because today is now Friday I have seriously stopped giving a fuck.”

2. When your coworker talks about how talented their kids are, calmly let your coworker know the truth.

Coworker: “Susie is an amazing artist, look at her picture”
You: “Wow, Bob, Susie’s art looks like a shit I took earlier this morning.”

3. When your coworker wants to know your opinion about how to raise their child, be honest.

Coworker: “Rebecca wants to go to the movie with a boy what should I do?”
You: “Let her go! She’s probably only going to give him an over the pants handy so she won’t get pregnant.” 

Hope that helps! If not self mutilation is always an option!


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