Politically Conscious Young Adult

In order to sound like an eloquent adult in social situations you must determine what your political point of view is.

For example, I’m a socially-liberal-fiscally-conservative-anti-organized-religionist. What does that mean exactly? Great question! Let me annoyingly explain my beliefs to you!

Socially Liberal:

Like every 20 something, I believe in fetal termination, sexual/racial/gender equality, legalizing a certain green plant and all those hippy things.

For instance, I don’t want to be cliché and talk about abortion but... fuck it.

If I, a person who has walked away from a parked car with the engine running and every door wide open, got knocked up, even the conservatives would opt for me to be “pro-choice”.

I can barely remember to feed and bathe myself, heaven forbid a child was in the mix. I used to care for children and I was ALWAYS more entertained by Yo Gabba Gabba then they were (granted I was stoned… but that just further proves my point). My non-maternal genes are so apparent that even the government has deemed my uterus, “Not Fit for Procreation”.

So, if a girl can admit, “Hey I’m a hot mess and would really fuck up this fetus” let her do what she wants with her baby oven.

Fiscally Conservative:

Three words. I’M A JEW. Enough said.

Anti-Organized-Religionist:

I believe that religion is about spirituality and for the Jews, leaving a 10% tip. It is NOT about standing up and sitting down because some "holy man" in a big room tells you to do so. Also, standing up and sitting down is extremely fatiguing and I think even God would agree.

Because I am so wise and worldly those are all of my political perceptions. Consider taking your own stance on a few key political issues. Then, at parties and social gatherings, loudly discuss your beliefs because your views are obviously the ONLY right ones.

The moral of this story is that I am going to Hell for everything written above but it’s America and I can write whatever the fuck I want to … or at least I think I can.

AMURICA!

XOXO

Gym Membership

For every recent grad, shedding a few of those accidental beer pounds becomes first priority upon receiving your diploma. For the first time in four years you will find yourself in an unusual situation. You will have something adults call a “salary” and you should make no attempt to save it at all.

So, you have a shit ton of money and zero friends what should you do? Well…get your fat ass, to a gym! UGHH I know moving is hard and going to the gym really cuts into your drinking alone time. Alas, a gym membership may be beneficial for making those sluts, that are still in college, jealous of your post grad bod. 

Recently, I myself had to face the fact that my late night relationship with cheesy bread sticks may have had some negative affects on my figure. So I joined a gym. Upon joining, I was told that the kind staff at my gym would generously provide me with a non biased health evaluation. Confident in my athletic abilities, I came to the consult prepared to hear how flawless I already was. 

Unfortunately, one step on their “all knowing”, body fat scale revealed that I was unknowingly obese. FUCK! This is something that every post grad will definitely go through. Long gone are the days of simply wandering around the gym in Lulu Lemon looking good. Now, you might actually need to sweat because you probably look terrible in your Lulu Lemons and have for quite some time. Thank god you've been perpetually intoxicated for four straight years and did not notice how fat your ass looked in sweatpants.  

***HINT: Your workout regime will only be successful if your Powerade is actually vodka. Lets get real somethings, like your undeniable alcoholism, will never change. 

Happy Sweating!

XOXO