Preventing Cubicle Suicide

At some point in your 9 -5 job, while staring off into space in your cubicle, you will come to the realization that this is the rest of your life. Before you grab a knife and jam it into your eye ball try to make the best out of your job! I have put together some simple tips to help you get through your work day:

Get an on-the-job hobby

When you've taken all the Buzz Feed quizzes and have checked Facebook a trillion times, it’s time my friend to get a work place hobby! I recommend something subtle that you can do on your computer like writing a lame blog, drawing on paint, playing online poker, or anything else you find enjoyable. Just don’t get caught and your work day will fly by!

Socialize with your co-workers for as long as you can

It doesn’t matter if you don’t give a fuck about Joe’s weekend make him tell you about every painful detail and then have several follow up questions prepared. By the time he finishes you will be ecstatic to stare at your excel document for another three hours.

Try to make a friend

To make friends, I recommend awkwardly approaching people and telling them about your weekend getaway with your cat. That will really let your co-workers know how cool and socially desirable you are.

Take up smoking

Once the nicotine fills your bloodstream craving your next cig will be more enjoyable then craving the end of the day. Also you will be allowed to take more breaks then your fellow co-workers throughout the day (WIN).

Take a long lunch 

No one is really paying attention to how long your lunch break is so relax and enjoy it! Come back when you feel ready and when you've finished hitting that (insert drug of your choice) pipe.

G-Chat/Text/Facebook Message/E-mail/Smoke Signal

It doesn't matter the medium just try to communicate with as many other sad cubicle dwellers as possible. It will make you feel less likely to jump off the 12th floor at lunch.

With these simple tips, you too can enjoy your 9-5 job and hopefully suicide will not feel like the only option.

XOXO

Types of Coworkers

When you get your first job out of college, you will begin to realize how easy it is to get a position in a professional field. The people you work with will make you loose faith in entire institution of higher education.

You will begin to notice that you can classify your co-workers into “types” of people that share consistent personality characteristics. I have generously identified some of these “types” below based on my vast professional experience.

The Dated Hipster:
All hipsters eventually have to go somewhere (like the sad city I live in) to die. They will no longer be able to sustain their “all organic” lifestyle that they once had in their “hipster friendly” city. So these hipsters will have to relocate to a shitty city to live out the remainder of their sad life.

The dated hipster at your company will love drinking French pressed coffee and discussing IPA beers. This person also might have a trendy job title like designer or graphic artist but it’s all a cover up for their, now, basic as fuck life.

The Washed Up Party Boy: 
Whether you work for a large or small corporation there will be tons of washed up party boys at your company. You know this guy… he was probably in a frat of some sort and used to go to the bar seven days a week to sniff out the DTF girl wearing the trashy Victoria Secret perfume.

The washed up party boy probably used to live in a grimy apartment covered in empty beer cans but now lives in a nice home in the burbs with his wife.Today this guy will probably revel silently in his glory days although rarely mention them in fear of being discovered as a used to be party boy.

The Stoner: 
In reality everybody at your sad job probably smokes, however… there is still the one that makes it obvious. This guy probably wears chillaxed apparel and is never concerned with corporate deadlines. He has also probably requested to work “remotely” to maintain his “green” lifestyle. The stoner also frequently requests days off to attend Phish concerts... but who wouldn't.

The Church Goer: 
Amongst all of your hot mess co-workers there will be the one glimmer of hope known as the church goer. This person will come in first and leave last and be dedicated to his or her job. They will also be young with a wife, child and a home in a boring suburban town. And this person is boring as fuck so that’s all I have to say about them.

The New Mom: 
In the corporate world it is not scandalous when a chick gets knocked up (people actually want babies when you get old).  The chick that recently had a baby will come to work but not really give a fuck about her job. She has a baby and even better a baby daddy with the cash money. She has a job simply to get a little shopping money and to not die of boredom at home with her baby.

All of these people will try to offer you advice about career advancement and professional development but it is best to ignore everyone you work with. You have your own agenda after all your "type" would probably be the 22 year taking everybody else’s job just because you know how to use Facebook and Google. Life is good for you ... at least for now so take advantage of it because in a year a 22 year old is going to take your job and classify you as "the wannabe 22 year old party girl who refuses to grow up and get a real job". But that’s an entire year away so enjoy!

XOXO

Five Customer Service Tips

If you are lucky, your first job out of college will come with a salary and a “work” laptop. But if you are like me and the other 1% of the post grad population, your job will be in customer service. This job will pay you nothing so you'll be forced to live with your parents for the remainder of your sad life.

A position in customer service may sound like a nightmare but trust me when I say it’s an amazing “opportunity”. Every time you are forced to deal with a customer you will think to yourself, “thank god I get to interact with another imbecile today… I’m so fucking lucky to have this job?”

Although customer service may seem like an easy gig, there are some difficulties associated with this type of position. So, I have generously put together some customer service tips to help you succeed in your new role:

1. When a customer asks a question always respond with, “I have no idea”. Customers like dealing with uninformed individuals, it makes them feel intelligent and powerful. 
2. If the customer does not know English, do not attempt to help them at all. This, my friend, is fucking AMURICA and we only speak English. Helping foreigners is for the Red Cross and Habitat for Humanity not for your sad soul answering phones in Cleveland, Ohio.
3. If you are answering the phones, put the customer on hold for as long as you can. Customers love waiting on the line and you NEED to finish telling your co-worker about how fucked up you got last night. Everyone knows that customers come second and that inter-office gossip ALWAYS comes first. 
4. Drink on the job. The only way to actually deal with human beings for 40 hours a week is to drink during work. Your boss is never going to notice that your coffee has a fifth of rum in it or that your water bottle is filled with vodka. Drink up… you are the sad soul dealing with the greater American population all day long… you NEED the alcohol. 
5. Finally, ignore the customer when they are talking. You’re not going to give the customer a real answer to their problem anyways (refer to #1) so why waste your valuable thinking time listening to their issues. Just keep filing your nails, chewing your gum and looking at people.com because this is really the only way you're going to help anyone. 

So with these simplistic customer service tips you'll be on your way to making your managers proud! And that dream spot in your parents’ basement will always be yours!

XOXO