Preventing Cubicle Suicide

At some point in your 9 -5 job, while staring off into space in your cubicle, you will come to the realization that this is the rest of your life. Before you grab a knife and jam it into your eye ball try to make the best out of your job! I have put together some simple tips to help you get through your work day:

Get an on-the-job hobby

When you've taken all the Buzz Feed quizzes and have checked Facebook a trillion times, it’s time my friend to get a work place hobby! I recommend something subtle that you can do on your computer like writing a lame blog, drawing on paint, playing online poker, or anything else you find enjoyable. Just don’t get caught and your work day will fly by!

Socialize with your co-workers for as long as you can

It doesn’t matter if you don’t give a fuck about Joe’s weekend make him tell you about every painful detail and then have several follow up questions prepared. By the time he finishes you will be ecstatic to stare at your excel document for another three hours.

Try to make a friend

To make friends, I recommend awkwardly approaching people and telling them about your weekend getaway with your cat. That will really let your co-workers know how cool and socially desirable you are.

Take up smoking

Once the nicotine fills your bloodstream craving your next cig will be more enjoyable then craving the end of the day. Also you will be allowed to take more breaks then your fellow co-workers throughout the day (WIN).

Take a long lunch 

No one is really paying attention to how long your lunch break is so relax and enjoy it! Come back when you feel ready and when you've finished hitting that (insert drug of your choice) pipe.

G-Chat/Text/Facebook Message/E-mail/Smoke Signal

It doesn't matter the medium just try to communicate with as many other sad cubicle dwellers as possible. It will make you feel less likely to jump off the 12th floor at lunch.

With these simple tips, you too can enjoy your 9-5 job and hopefully suicide will not feel like the only option.

XOXO

Politically Conscious Young Adult

In order to sound like an eloquent adult in social situations you must determine what your political point of view is.

For example, I’m a socially-liberal-fiscally-conservative-anti-organized-religionist. What does that mean exactly? Great question! Let me annoyingly explain my beliefs to you!

Socially Liberal:

Like every 20 something, I believe in fetal termination, sexual/racial/gender equality, legalizing a certain green plant and all those hippy things.

For instance, I don’t want to be cliché and talk about abortion but... fuck it.

If I, a person who has walked away from a parked car with the engine running and every door wide open, got knocked up, even the conservatives would opt for me to be “pro-choice”.

I can barely remember to feed and bathe myself, heaven forbid a child was in the mix. I used to care for children and I was ALWAYS more entertained by Yo Gabba Gabba then they were (granted I was stoned… but that just further proves my point). My non-maternal genes are so apparent that even the government has deemed my uterus, “Not Fit for Procreation”.

So, if a girl can admit, “Hey I’m a hot mess and would really fuck up this fetus” let her do what she wants with her baby oven.

Fiscally Conservative:

Three words. I’M A JEW. Enough said.

Anti-Organized-Religionist:

I believe that religion is about spirituality and for the Jews, leaving a 10% tip. It is NOT about standing up and sitting down because some "holy man" in a big room tells you to do so. Also, standing up and sitting down is extremely fatiguing and I think even God would agree.

Because I am so wise and worldly those are all of my political perceptions. Consider taking your own stance on a few key political issues. Then, at parties and social gatherings, loudly discuss your beliefs because your views are obviously the ONLY right ones.

The moral of this story is that I am going to Hell for everything written above but it’s America and I can write whatever the fuck I want to … or at least I think I can.

AMURICA!

XOXO

Being A Basic White Girl

White girl problems are the worst because they feel soooo real accept they’re not at all. My sister is the biggest white girl complainer of all time. A simple, “How’s your day?” NEVER ends with, “Good and you?”. 

For example: 

Me: “Sara how’s your day?” 

Sara: “Ugh ok… I guess BUT (and there’s always a but) my secretary is so annoying. She always asks me questions.” 

But you have to sympathize with white girl problems, no matter how ridiculous they are or else it'll never stop.

We LOVE bitching. I think we white girls get our fuel for life from Diet Coke and complaining about our first world problems. 

The number one white girl complaint ... our boyfriends.

Like: “Ugh can you believe Ben tivoed over Top Model again last night. Seriously, if this behavior persists I might have to say something.”

But we NEVER confront our problems. As a white girl our most lethal weapon of choice is passive aggressive warfare.

Like instead of letting you know, "Hey don’t record over my show", we just go in and cancel all of your recordings for the next month and blame it on “mechanical error”. 

But the worst thing a white girl can do is not complain about a boyfriend she should be complaining about. 

For example: “Joe called me fat again in front of all my friends last night, he has such a good sense of humor. Things are going to be so perfect when we get married.”

When a white girl isn't complaining about her boyfriend, it’s because she wants one thing. A ring on that finger. 

But we all know that the fat jokes aren't going away just because she has a half karat ring from Macy’s on her right ring finger. 

But all joking aside, there are some legitimate white girl problems out there.

I think the most serious white girl problem is when we go to send a snap chat to someone and the front view of our camera is on. Seriously nothing makes you feel worse about yourself then seeing your double chin in full zoom on your iPhone camera. 

This issue is so serious that I’m thinking of starting a charity for it. My charity will be called “White Girl’s for a More Flattering Front View” and the slogan will be “Because taking a good selfie is hard enough”. 

Keep on being white basic bitches!

XOXO

Pretending to Work

If you are like me your first job out of college will be less than ideal. The majority of your day will be spent gchatting, pretending to get your co-workers coffee and thinking about the magic cookie you get to munch on after work.

Below are a few examples of the average day in the REAL corporate America:

The best part of your day will easily be when you have to go to meetings. The term “meeting” is just the adult word for hour long bull shitting sessions about company goals (whatever the fuck that means). In these meeting corporate buzz words like “synergy” and “ROI” will be thrown around as if they have actual meanings. In a meeting your boss can’t get mad at you for not doing anything because you have to be there but we all know that physically being in a meeting has nothing to do with mentally being present.  

About 70% of your day will be spent snap chatting selfies of yourself doing embarrassing things to your co-workers who are also snapping instead of working. 

Then when your boss actually musters up enough faith in you to give you a real project you will have to take a break from gchat to work. You will spend about 2% of your day actually accomplishing “corporate goals”. Once you’ve logged that solid 2% of effort you can go back to achieving your snap chat initiatives for the day.

The rest of your day will be spent bull shitting with the people you work with. Talking about how fried your brain is from smoking so much will be a common topic of conversation. Your older, boring co-workers will discuss how they have to do yard work and other domestic shit and you will thank baby Jesus himself that your life hasn’t stooped that low yet.

You will also take several unnecessary coffee breaks through out the day. Once you’re done getting coffee, you will have consumed enough caffeine to keep a full grown African elephant up for days. At this point your jittering body will be too fucking pumped up to actually do any work.  

Keep on plugging away corporate America … you’re fucking killing it!

Created with flickr slideshow.

Types of Coworkers

When you get your first job out of college, you will begin to realize how easy it is to get a position in a professional field. The people you work with will make you loose faith in entire institution of higher education.

You will begin to notice that you can classify your co-workers into “types” of people that share consistent personality characteristics. I have generously identified some of these “types” below based on my vast professional experience.

The Dated Hipster:
All hipsters eventually have to go somewhere (like the sad city I live in) to die. They will no longer be able to sustain their “all organic” lifestyle that they once had in their “hipster friendly” city. So these hipsters will have to relocate to a shitty city to live out the remainder of their sad life.

The dated hipster at your company will love drinking French pressed coffee and discussing IPA beers. This person also might have a trendy job title like designer or graphic artist but it’s all a cover up for their, now, basic as fuck life.

The Washed Up Party Boy: 
Whether you work for a large or small corporation there will be tons of washed up party boys at your company. You know this guy… he was probably in a frat of some sort and used to go to the bar seven days a week to sniff out the DTF girl wearing the trashy Victoria Secret perfume.

The washed up party boy probably used to live in a grimy apartment covered in empty beer cans but now lives in a nice home in the burbs with his wife.Today this guy will probably revel silently in his glory days although rarely mention them in fear of being discovered as a used to be party boy.

The Stoner: 
In reality everybody at your sad job probably smokes, however… there is still the one that makes it obvious. This guy probably wears chillaxed apparel and is never concerned with corporate deadlines. He has also probably requested to work “remotely” to maintain his “green” lifestyle. The stoner also frequently requests days off to attend Phish concerts... but who wouldn't.

The Church Goer: 
Amongst all of your hot mess co-workers there will be the one glimmer of hope known as the church goer. This person will come in first and leave last and be dedicated to his or her job. They will also be young with a wife, child and a home in a boring suburban town. And this person is boring as fuck so that’s all I have to say about them.

The New Mom: 
In the corporate world it is not scandalous when a chick gets knocked up (people actually want babies when you get old).  The chick that recently had a baby will come to work but not really give a fuck about her job. She has a baby and even better a baby daddy with the cash money. She has a job simply to get a little shopping money and to not die of boredom at home with her baby.

All of these people will try to offer you advice about career advancement and professional development but it is best to ignore everyone you work with. You have your own agenda after all your "type" would probably be the 22 year taking everybody else’s job just because you know how to use Facebook and Google. Life is good for you ... at least for now so take advantage of it because in a year a 22 year old is going to take your job and classify you as "the wannabe 22 year old party girl who refuses to grow up and get a real job". But that’s an entire year away so enjoy!

XOXO

Five Customer Service Tips

If you are lucky, your first job out of college will come with a salary and a “work” laptop. But if you are like me and the other 1% of the post grad population, your job will be in customer service. This job will pay you nothing so you'll be forced to live with your parents for the remainder of your sad life.

A position in customer service may sound like a nightmare but trust me when I say it’s an amazing “opportunity”. Every time you are forced to deal with a customer you will think to yourself, “thank god I get to interact with another imbecile today… I’m so fucking lucky to have this job?”

Although customer service may seem like an easy gig, there are some difficulties associated with this type of position. So, I have generously put together some customer service tips to help you succeed in your new role:

1. When a customer asks a question always respond with, “I have no idea”. Customers like dealing with uninformed individuals, it makes them feel intelligent and powerful. 
2. If the customer does not know English, do not attempt to help them at all. This, my friend, is fucking AMURICA and we only speak English. Helping foreigners is for the Red Cross and Habitat for Humanity not for your sad soul answering phones in Cleveland, Ohio.
3. If you are answering the phones, put the customer on hold for as long as you can. Customers love waiting on the line and you NEED to finish telling your co-worker about how fucked up you got last night. Everyone knows that customers come second and that inter-office gossip ALWAYS comes first. 
4. Drink on the job. The only way to actually deal with human beings for 40 hours a week is to drink during work. Your boss is never going to notice that your coffee has a fifth of rum in it or that your water bottle is filled with vodka. Drink up… you are the sad soul dealing with the greater American population all day long… you NEED the alcohol. 
5. Finally, ignore the customer when they are talking. You’re not going to give the customer a real answer to their problem anyways (refer to #1) so why waste your valuable thinking time listening to their issues. Just keep filing your nails, chewing your gum and looking at people.com because this is really the only way you're going to help anyone. 

So with these simplistic customer service tips you'll be on your way to making your managers proud! And that dream spot in your parents’ basement will always be yours!

XOXO

The Walk of Shame

A text from my father 

In college the walk of shame was once a normal part of your daily routine. In fact this early morning stroll was not even that shameful. As you meandered through the streets, with your sex hair and make up smeared face, people seemed to be silently cheering for you and your prior night's conquest. However, now that you have permanently relocated to your parents' basement, the walk of shame is no longer as effortless as it once was.

Because of your unfortunate physical proximity to your parents, they may actually want to know where you are at all times. You should never disclose your location to them because you are in the prime of your life and shouldn't be held back by two people who can't hear the TV unless the volume's all the way up. So go out, live your youth and don't worry about the nursing home residents you unfortunately have to co-habitat with.

Through out the night if your parents do attempt to contact you, make sure to silence your ringer and keep on partying. It's always a good idea to keep your parents in the dark especially if you're sloppily drunk and hitting on anything with a heart beat. When you do resurface the next morning, the once silent cheers from your college days will be replaced by the disappointed glances from your conservative parents.

As you try to sneak slyly into your bedroom to sleep off the shame from the night before, your mother will request to have talk with you. She will claim to be "disappointed" in your behavior and beg you to be more "respectful". As she blabs on, you will quickly come to the realization that the pot you smoked on the way home was an AMAZING idea. Your foggy brain will try to formulate some lie to tell her but it's probably best to just remain silent and walk away.

Your high is not worth wasting on this "discussion" and your mom is never going to actually reprimand you so just go hibernate in your room until this blows over. In due time your parents' deteriorating memory will inhibit them from recalling why they were ever even mad at you. So if you're living at home and embarrassed about your promiscuous behavior, you can choose to stay home and watch your ass expand in your sweat pants or you can slip your parents a Roofalin and go live your life.

WARNING- option #2 may have some serious legal ramifications, use with caution.

XOXO