Sunday, February 16, 2014

"Am I Crazy?": How to use Google like a Therapist

When you live at home, you will start to see your parents’ psychotic behavior unravel. The unfortunate, genetic similarities you share with your parents will alarm you and force you to seek immediate professional help. However, getting a therapist costs money and they’ll diagnose you with an actual mental disorder so professional help should probably be avoided.

So… where is the best place to get psychiatric help? The answer is obviously the internet. The internet is a magical place filled with advice that is 100% accurate all of the time. I myself have recently found solace in the wonderful advice from the internet.

When I first witnessed my mother’s mental deterioration, I immediately Googled her behavioral patterns to determine if I shared her psychosis. I came across a quiz entitled, “Why is My Mom Such a Bitch?” This test was surprisingly exactly what I was searching for. The internet is magical like that, no matter what you start to search for Google always knows how to finish your sentence and the results are fucking fantastic!

So I took the quiz and the results revealed that my mother was simply suffering from an unfulfilled Prozac prescription. Ah… that did make sense, she is always more tolerable when she takes those anti-depressants.

Then a link on the side of that results page led me to yet another quiz. This quiz was entitled, “Why Am I Crazy”. If you live with your parents taking a quiz, such as this, will truly shed light onto your mental instability.  I gladly took the quiz, desperate for the ever so accurate results page to diagnose me with a legitimate mental disorder.

While taking the quiz, I quickly began to realize how fucking insane I am. I found truth in every question.

For example:

“Do you find yourself engaging in wild, promiscuous behavior”-hmmm yes

“Do you abuse drugs and alcohol?”- YES

“Are you working in a dead end job and still inappropriately living with your parents”- FUCK …YES

I hit the “GET MY RESULTS” button on the last page of the quiz and the truth came out. I was suffering from: mood swings, possible psychosis, borderline personality disorder, schizophrenia, bi polar, tri polar, daddy issues, social isolation syndrome. The list went on but honestly I stopped giving a fuck because that results page had a link on it that led me to the quiz, “Which Disney Princess are You?” This quiz seemed less scary and the results were much more pleasant.

So, the moral of this story is your parents are fucking nuts but at least you are more like Bell from Beauty and the Beast and not that horrific cave woman Pocahontas.


Sunday, February 9, 2014

How Much Alcohol is Too Much

Occasionally you'll make your way into the social scene and find yourself with a drink in your hand. Now that you live in suburbia, drinking will become your habitual escape and will be impossible to live without. While some may call this alcoholism, I prefer the term "coping with real life". Whatever you call it, when you live in the burbs partaking in drinking related activities is a must.

But how much alcohol is too much?

When that first drop of alcohol hits your tongue a feeling of uncontrollable lust for more will take over your body. Before you indulge in that second drink, remember suburban people are boring and will judge your drinking habits. But fuck them, self-control is overrated and you still live with your parents so you actually NEED that second drink (and possibly even a third or a fourth …oh fuck it just grab the entire bottle).

The sweet buzz of alcohol will run through your veins and for one brief moment of bliss you will forget your sad fate in life. Soon your alcohol induced happiness will be infectious and others will actually want to interact with you. This is when you should try to make friends because we all know that your sober personality sucks and that SIRI is the last person you had a conversation with.

So, for that brief moment everything in the world will seem magical (the pot you smoked on the way to the bar might also have something to do with that). But then things will take an inevitable turn for the worst. You will begin to think everything you're saying is fucking hilarious and will be too inebriated to notice that you are no longer talking to anyone. Also, you will mention that your cat is one of your only friends and that if it weren't for her life would be meaningless. Then, Whitney Houston's "I want to Dance with Somebody" will start to play and the urge to force people onto a non-existent dance floor will take over.

The final sign that you should be cut off will occur when you begin to talk about your failed career as a Zumba instructor. Even though no one encourages you, you will insist on showing the entire bar how great of an instructor you would've been. As you take the dance floor and begin to awkwardly gyrate your body a manager will escort you out of the bar.

UGH I know people just don't appreciate the beauty of Latin inspired, cardio dance but because bars in suburbia shut down at 9:00 PM you might as well just call it a night. When you get home and reflect on your night, you will realize that drinking is the only thing worth living for but knowing you limit is important.

So, how much alcohol is too much? The amount may vary from person to person but a good indicator is usually when the bar's manager calls the police on you for sexually harassing the other customers.


Saturday, February 1, 2014

Dating a Nice Guy

When you live with your parents, it is crucial to remember that you cannot maintain the promiscuous lifestyle you were once accustomed to in college. Long gone are the days of sloppy one night stands and shameful walks home. And by shameful walks home I mean eating too much late night pizza, passing out at your friend's house and rolling your doughy, body shamefully home the next morning.

No matter what you actually did in college, your life is still now over.

It is time my friends to settle down with what I like to call a "nice guy". Now before you complain, remember that you live with your parents and therefor you can longer "date" your flaky, drug dealer who only sexts you at 2:00 AM. Your parents are old fashion and want to actually meet the person you claim to be dating. Since your drug dealer disappears for 3 weeks when you mention of your parents, you have to quit that and hit up a nice, respectable guy. 

This guy will have what adults refer to as a "white collar" job. No more hitting on the Mexican, janitorial staff at Chipotle. These guys may smell like jalapenos and sweat (a scent every woman is secretly drawn to) but they will inevitably break your heart. Your white collar man may smell like Macy's brand cologne and printer paper but he will never leave you.  

Your new man should also only wear khakis and business casual attire. Stop dreaming that the guy wearing Fendi jeans actually likes vagina. You are also not going to have a heterosexual relationship with your stylish, Starbucks barista...he is very gay! You are going to have to accept that your new man will probably dress like George Michael from Arrested Development. But remember he will never leave you for a man named Heroldo that he met at New York fashion week. 

Finally, remember you live at home and no self loving man who lives alone is going to want to engage in any sort of romance with you. So, you're going to have to find a boy who is also living the dream with his parents like you. When you find your paper smelling, khaki wearing, home body get down on one knee and make him put a ring on it because this guy will NEVER leave you. He is the trifected of stability and commitment and he will make your parents weep with pride.  

So, gear up your wedding Pinterest board because you my friend are in this one for the long haul. But before you panic at the thought of your sad, suburban future there is a sliver lining in this tale. I have no fucking idea what that lining is but I'm sure the correct pill cocktail will help you find it!