Saturday, February 1, 2014

Dating a Nice Guy

When you live with your parents, it is crucial to remember that you cannot maintain the promiscuous lifestyle you were once accustomed to in college. Long gone are the days of sloppy one night stands and shameful walks home. And by shameful walks home I mean eating too much late night pizza, passing out at your friend's house and rolling your doughy, body shamefully home the next morning.

No matter what you actually did in college, your life is still now over.

It is time my friends to settle down with what I like to call a "nice guy". Now before you complain, remember that you live with your parents and therefor you can longer "date" your flaky, drug dealer who only sexts you at 2:00 AM. Your parents are old fashion and want to actually meet the person you claim to be dating. Since your drug dealer disappears for 3 weeks when you mention of your parents, you have to quit that and hit up a nice, respectable guy. 

This guy will have what adults refer to as a "white collar" job. No more hitting on the Mexican, janitorial staff at Chipotle. These guys may smell like jalapenos and sweat (a scent every woman is secretly drawn to) but they will inevitably break your heart. Your white collar man may smell like Macy's brand cologne and printer paper but he will never leave you.  

Your new man should also only wear khakis and business casual attire. Stop dreaming that the guy wearing Fendi jeans actually likes vagina. You are also not going to have a heterosexual relationship with your stylish, Starbucks barista...he is very gay! You are going to have to accept that your new man will probably dress like George Michael from Arrested Development. But remember he will never leave you for a man named Heroldo that he met at New York fashion week. 

Finally, remember you live at home and no self loving man who lives alone is going to want to engage in any sort of romance with you. So, you're going to have to find a boy who is also living the dream with his parents like you. When you find your paper smelling, khaki wearing, home body get down on one knee and make him put a ring on it because this guy will NEVER leave you. He is the trifected of stability and commitment and he will make your parents weep with pride.  

So, gear up your wedding Pinterest board because you my friend are in this one for the long haul. But before you panic at the thought of your sad, suburban future there is a sliver lining in this tale. I have no fucking idea what that lining is but I'm sure the correct pill cocktail will help you find it!


No comments:

Post a Comment