Sunday, March 16, 2014

Five Customer Service Tips

If you are lucky, your first job out of college will come with a salary and a “work” laptop. But if you are like me and the other 1% of the post grad population, your job will be in customer service. This job will pay you nothing so you'll be forced to live with your parents for the remainder of your sad life.

A position in customer service may sound like a nightmare but trust me when I say it’s an amazing “opportunity”. Every time you are forced to deal with a customer you will think to yourself, “thank god I get to interact with another imbecile today… I’m so fucking lucky to have this job?”

Although customer service may seem like an easy gig, there are some difficulties associated with this type of position. So, I have generously put together some customer service tips to help you succeed in your new role:
  1. When a customer asks a question always respond with, “I have no idea”. Customers like dealing with uninformed individuals, it makes them feel intelligent and powerful. 
  2. If the customer does not know English, do not attempt to help them at all. This, my friend, is fucking AMURICA and we only speak English. Helping foreigners is for the Red Cross and Habitat for Humanity not for your sad soul answering phones in Cleveland, Ohio.
  3. If you are answering the phones, put the customer on hold for as long as you can. Customers love waiting on the line and you NEED to finish telling your co-worker about how fucked up you got last night. Everyone knows that customers come second and that inter-office gossip ALWAYS comes first. 
  4. Drink on the job. The only way to actually deal with human beings for 40 hours a week is to drink during work. Your boss is never going to notice that your coffee has a fifth of rum in it or that your water bottle is filled with vodka. Drink up… you are the sad soul dealing with the greater American population all day long… you NEED the alcohol. 
  5. Finally, ignore the customer when they are talking. You’re not going to give the customer a real answer to their problem anyways (refer to #1) so why waste your valuable thinking time listening to their issues. Just keep filing your nails, chewing your gum and looking at because this is really the only way you're going to help anyone. 
So with these simplistic customer service tips you'll be on your way to making your managers proud! And that dream spot in your parents’ basement will always be yours!


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