Friday, August 22, 2014

Preventing Cubicle Suicide

At some point in your 9 -5 job, while staring off into space in your cubicle, you will come to the realization that this is the rest of your life. Before you grab a knife and jam it into your eye ball try to make the best out of your job! I have put together some simple tips to help you get through your work day:

Get an on-the-job hobby

When you've taken all the Buzz Feed quizzes and have checked Facebook a trillion times, it’s time my friend to get a work place hobby! I recommend something subtle that you can do on your computer like writing a lame blog, drawing on paint, playing online poker, or anything else you find enjoyable. Just don’t get caught and your work day will fly by!

Socialize with your co-workers for as long as you can

It doesn’t matter if you don’t give a fuck about Joe’s weekend make him tell you about every painful detail and then have several follow up questions prepared. By the time he finishes you will be ecstatic to stare at your excel document for another three hours.

Try to make a friend

To make friends, I recommend awkwardly approaching people and telling them about your weekend getaway with your cat. That will really let your co-workers know how cool and socially desirable you are.

Take up smoking

Once the nicotine fills your bloodstream craving your next cig will be more enjoyable then craving the end of the day. Also you will be allowed to take more breaks then your fellow co-workers throughout the day (WIN).

Take a long lunch 

No one is really paying attention to how long your lunch break is so relax and enjoy it! Come back when you feel ready and when you've finished hitting that (insert drug of your choice) pipe.

G-Chat/Text/Facebook Message/E-mail/Smoke Signal

It doesn't matter the medium just try to communicate with as many other sad cubicle dwellers as possible. It will make you feel less likely to jump off the 12th floor at lunch.

With these simple tips, you too can enjoy your 9-5 job and hopefully suicide will not feel like the only option.