Tuesday, November 25, 2014

How To Double Date

When you decide settle down with a significant other you will notice that your social life will come to a screeching halt. Your once free nights of getting white girl wasted (WGW) and hitting on anything with a heartbeat must come to an end. The adult alternative to getting WGW is going out with another couple.

Select The Couple: 

The couple you select for your "double date" must be socially deprived and just as desperate as you to leave their home/apartment. Once you've found a couple willing to drink in public with you, you can now begin planning your evening.

Select Your Location:

The location you select for your outing is crucial. You should not select a place with the words "Night Club" in the name. These places are filled with single basic bitches on the prowl and it will be too painful for everyone in your party too witness the fun they are having. On the flip side, your location should not have an early bird dinner special and should at least serve some sort of alcoholic beverage. So your ideal location should be somewhere in between Pulse Night Club and Bob Evans.

Drink But Don't Get Drunk:

Once you've selected your location and have met up with your couple of choice you can begin drinking. When out with another couple you must be sure to achieve an ideal level of drunk. If you drink too much, you will tell the couple what you really think of their relationship and they will never agree to go out with you again. However, if you drink too little they will think you've lost your "edge" and are too boring to ever go out with again. So keep it classy and you'll be able to keep the only friends that will respond to your text messages.

Call It A Night: 

After about two to three drinks everyone in your party will agree that they miss their pets/ (heaven forbid) children and decide that it's time to go home. When you glance at your phone for the time, you'll be SHOCKED that you've lasted until 10:00 P.M.

Back at home, you will feel socially satisfied yet thankful that you get to put your "give-up-pants" back on. The next morning you will text your friend about your "hangover" and you'll both agree that you cannot party as hard as you once could. Although this social attempt was rather weak it should prevent you from killing your significant other for at least one month. After your social satisfaction has worn out you can repeat the above steps and venture out of your home once again for another night on the town!

Happy Double Dating!


Friday, October 3, 2014

Pole Dancing Class

Becoming a stripper used to be something I would threaten my father with when I wanted money. Now, BWG (Basic White Girls) have turned stripping into an acceptable form of exercise. As a BWG, I decided to indulge my dreams of stripping and take one of these "fitness classes".

As you can see from the above video, Dazzle (that's my stripper name), will never make a dime stripping. But I still had fun and my instructor Peanut was most definitely and actual stripper.



Friday, August 22, 2014

Preventing Cubicle Suicide

At some point in your 9 -5 job, while staring off into space in your cubicle, you will come to the realization that this is the rest of your life. Before you grab a knife and jam it into your eye ball try to make the best out of your job! I have put together some simple tips to help you get through your work day:

Get an on-the-job hobby

When you've taken all the Buzz Feed quizzes and have checked Facebook a trillion times, it’s time my friend to get a work place hobby! I recommend something subtle that you can do on your computer like writing a lame blog, drawing on paint, playing online poker, or anything else you find enjoyable. Just don’t get caught and your work day will fly by!

Socialize with your co-workers for as long as you can

It doesn’t matter if you don’t give a fuck about Joe’s weekend make him tell you about every painful detail and then have several follow up questions prepared. By the time he finishes you will be ecstatic to stare at your excel document for another three hours.

Try to make a friend

To make friends, I recommend awkwardly approaching people and telling them about your weekend getaway with your cat. That will really let your co-workers know how cool and socially desirable you are.

Take up smoking

Once the nicotine fills your bloodstream craving your next cig will be more enjoyable then craving the end of the day. Also you will be allowed to take more breaks then your fellow co-workers throughout the day (WIN).

Take a long lunch 

No one is really paying attention to how long your lunch break is so relax and enjoy it! Come back when you feel ready and when you've finished hitting that (insert drug of your choice) pipe.

G-Chat/Text/Facebook Message/E-mail/Smoke Signal

It doesn't matter the medium just try to communicate with as many other sad cubicle dwellers as possible. It will make you feel less likely to jump off the 12th floor at lunch.

With these simple tips, you too can enjoy your 9-5 job and hopefully suicide will not feel like the only option.


Tuesday, July 22, 2014

3 Ways to Deal with People who Only Talk About Their Kids

When you get into the real world mundane things, like your coworkers talking about their children, will make you want to physically harm yourself. For example, I know more about my cube-mate’s daughter, Hailey (age 11 but will be 12 on Friday, on two swimming and soccer teams and loves to bake), then I do about any other person in my office.

If you have children, just a heads up, your child is not special and is probably EXTREMELY average. You are average, your husband is even more average so your kid is undoubtedly average as fuck.

There is no better form of birth control than listening to a women talk about waking up at 5:00 AM to take her daughter to an all-day swim meet. Yeah… never in a million years.

And once the “kid talker” starts there is usually little you can do to direct the conversation elsewhere. However, I have established a few ways to deal with these people in a loving and professional way:

1. If you've heard the same enchanting tale about their kid for the millionth time, professionally acknowledge that you've already heard their story.

Coworker: “Ryan hit a homer in t-ball last Saturday”
You: “Oh really, that story was marginally interesting on Monday, but because today is now Friday I have seriously stopped giving a fuck.”

2. When your coworker talks about how talented their kids are, calmly let your coworker know the truth.

Coworker: “Susie is an amazing artist, look at her picture”
You: “Wow, Bob, Susie’s art looks like a shit I took earlier this morning.”

3. When your coworker wants to know your opinion about how to raise their child, be honest.

Coworker: “Rebecca wants to go to the movie with a boy what should I do?”
You: “Let her go! She’s probably only going to give him an over the pants handy so she won’t get pregnant.” 

Hope that helps! If not self mutilation is always an option!


Thursday, July 17, 2014

Politically Conscious Young Adult

In order to sound like an eloquent adult in social situations you must determine what your political point of view is.

For example, I’m a socially-liberal-fiscally-conservative-anti-organized-religionist. What does that mean exactly? Great question! Let me annoyingly explain my beliefs to you!

Socially Liberal:
Like every 20 something, I believe in fetal termination, sexual/racial/gender equality, legalizing a certain green plant and all those hippy things.

For instance, I don’t want to be cliché and talk about abortion but... fuck it.

If I, a person who has walked away from a parked car with the engine running and every door wide open, got knocked up, even the conservatives would opt for me to be “pro-choice”.

I can barely remember to feed and bathe myself, heaven forbid a child was in the mix. I used to care for children and I was ALWAYS more entertained by Yo Gabba Gabba then they were (granted I was stoned… but that just further proves my point). My non-maternal genes are so apparent that even the government has deemed my uterus, “Not Fit for Procreation”.

So, if a girl can admit, “Hey I’m a hot mess and would really fuck up this fetus” let her do what she wants with her baby oven.

Fiscally Conservative:
Three words. I’M A JEW. Enough said.

I believe that religion is about spirituality and for the Jews, leaving a 10% tip. It is NOT about standing up and sitting down because some "holy man" in a big room tells you to do so. Also, standing up and sitting down is extremely fatiguing and I think even God would agree.

Because I am so wise and worldly those are all of my political perceptions. Consider taking your own stance on a few key political issues. Then, at parties and social gatherings, loudly discuss your beliefs because your views are obviously the ONLY right ones.

The moral of this story is that I am going to Hell for everything written above but it’s America and I can write whatever the fuck I want to … or at least I think I can.



Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Being A Basic White Girl

White girl problems are the worst because they feel soooo real accept they’re not at all. My sister is the biggest white girl complainer of all time. A simple, “How’s your day?” NEVER ends with, “Good and you?”. 

For example: 

Me: “Sara how’s your day?” 

Sara: “Ugh ok… I guess BUT (and there’s always a but) my secretary is so annoying. She always asks me questions.” 

But you have to sympathize with white girl problems, no matter how ridiculous they are or else it'll never stop.

We LOVE bitching. I think we white girls get our fuel for life from Diet Coke and complaining about our first world problems. 

The number one white girl complaint ... our boyfriends.

Like: “Ugh can you believe Ben tivoed over Top Model again last night. Seriously, if this behavior persists I might have to say something.”

But we NEVER confront our problems. As a white girl our most lethal weapon of choice is passive aggressive warfare.

Like instead of letting you know, "Hey don’t record over my show", we just go in and cancel all of your recordings for the next month and blame it on “mechanical error”. 

But the worst thing a white girl can do is not complain about a boyfriend she should be complaining about. 

For example: “Joe called me fat again in front of all my friends last night, he has such a good sense of humor. Things are going to be so perfect when we get married.”

When a white girl isn't complaining about her boyfriend, it’s because she wants one thing. A ring on that finger. 

But we all know that the fat jokes aren't going away just because she has a half karat ring from Macy’s on her right ring finger. 

But all joking aside, there are some legitimate white girl problems out there.

I think the most serious white girl problem is when we go to send a snap chat to someone and the front view of our camera is on. Seriously nothing makes you feel worse about yourself then seeing your double chin in full zoom on your iPhone camera. 

This issue is so serious that I’m thinking of starting a charity for it. My charity will be called “White Girl’s for a More Flattering Front View” and the slogan will be “Because taking a good selfie is hard enough”. 

Keep on being white basic bitches!


Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Pretending to Work

If you are like me your first job out of college will be less than ideal. The majority of your day will be spent gchatting, pretending to get your co-workers coffee and thinking about the magic cookie you get to munch on after work.

Below are a few examples of the average day in the REAL corporate America:

The best part of your day will easily be when you have to go to meetings. The term “meeting” is just the adult word for hour long bull shitting sessions about company goals (whatever the fuck that means). In these meeting corporate buzz words like “synergy” and “ROI” will be thrown around as if they have actual meanings. In a meeting your boss can’t get mad at you for not doing anything because you have to be there but we all know that physically being in a meeting has nothing to do with mentally being present.  

About 70% of your day will be spent snap chatting selfies of yourself doing embarrassing things to your co-workers who are also snapping instead of working. 

Then when your boss actually musters up enough faith in you to give you a real project you will have to take a break from gchat to work. You will spend about 2% of your day actually accomplishing “corporate goals”. Once you’ve logged that solid 2% of effort you can go back to achieving your snap chat initiatives for the day.

The rest of your day will be spent bull shitting with the people you work with. Talking about how fried your brain is from smoking so much will be a common topic of conversation. Your older, boring co-workers will discuss how they have to do yard work and other domestic shit and you will thank baby Jesus himself that your life hasn’t stooped that low yet.

You will also take several unnecessary coffee breaks through out the day. Once you’re done getting coffee, you will have consumed enough caffeine to keep a full grown African elephant up for days. At this point your jittering body will be too fucking pumped up to actually do any work.  

Keep on plugging away corporate America … you’re fucking killing it!

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