One simple rule to moving back home with Mom and Dad. Suck at interviewing. I’ll give you five easy steps to a terrible interview that will get you that golden ticket back home:
NEVER research the company- Fuck them they should research you. Who gives a shit about whatever the fuck ProV in Akron, Ohio is selling. So you sell a metal screw that is crucial to the success of some fucking auto part. Who cares ProV! You suck, I don’t want your shit and no one else does, so don’t get pissed at me when I don’t know what you sell.
Always tell the truth- This seems obvious but any successful interviewer will tell you to lie as much as possible. So if you want to land that dream spot in your parents’ basement, tell the company how you have zero experience with software X but you’re really great with Microsoft Word!
Say UM A LOT! If you think you haven’t said UM enough throw in a few more just for fun.
Just in case the interview’s going well, make sure to turn the volume up on your phone. So when your phone goes off (and it will go off) you can pretty much guaranteed that the job is not yours.
BE HUNGOVER- Be as hung over as possible. I’m not talking a few glasses of wine the night before. I’m talking an all night binger. So that when morning rolls around, your brain is so fucked up that even if you had something smart to say you mentally can’t form complete sentences.
If you guys follow these simple yet highly sophisticated steps the American Dream of living at home will be yours.
XOXO
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