Thursday, July 17, 2014

Politically Conscious Young Adult

In order to sound like an eloquent adult in social situations you must determine what your political point of view is.

For example, I’m a socially-liberal-fiscally-conservative-anti-organized-religionist. What does that mean exactly? Great question! Let me annoyingly explain my beliefs to you!

Socially Liberal:
Like every 20 something, I believe in fetal termination, sexual/racial/gender equality, legalizing a certain green plant and all those hippy things.

For instance, I don’t want to be cliché and talk about abortion but... fuck it.

If I, a person who has walked away from a parked car with the engine running and every door wide open, got knocked up, even the conservatives would opt for me to be “pro-choice”.

I can barely remember to feed and bathe myself, heaven forbid a child was in the mix. I used to care for children and I was ALWAYS more entertained by Yo Gabba Gabba then they were (granted I was stoned… but that just further proves my point). My non-maternal genes are so apparent that even the government has deemed my uterus, “Not Fit for Procreation”.

So, if a girl can admit, “Hey I’m a hot mess and would really fuck up this fetus” let her do what she wants with her baby oven.

Fiscally Conservative:
Three words. I’M A JEW. Enough said.

I believe that religion is about spirituality and for the Jews, leaving a 10% tip. It is NOT about standing up and sitting down because some "holy man" in a big room tells you to do so. Also, standing up and sitting down is extremely fatiguing and I think even God would agree.

Because I am so wise and worldly those are all of my political perceptions. Consider taking your own stance on a few key political issues. Then, at parties and social gatherings, loudly discuss your beliefs because your views are obviously the ONLY right ones.

The moral of this story is that I am going to Hell for everything written above but it’s America and I can write whatever the fuck I want to … or at least I think I can.



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