Sunday, February 16, 2014

"Am I Crazy?": How to use Google like a Therapist

When you live at home, you will start to see your parents’ psychotic behavior unravel. The unfortunate, genetic similarities you share with your parents will alarm you and force you to seek immediate professional help. However, getting a therapist costs money and they’ll diagnose you with an actual mental disorder so professional help should probably be avoided.

So… where is the best place to get psychiatric help? The answer is obviously the internet. The internet is a magical place filled with advice that is 100% accurate all of the time. I myself have recently found solace in the wonderful advice from the internet.

When I first witnessed my mother’s mental deterioration, I immediately Googled her behavioral patterns to determine if I shared her psychosis. I came across a quiz entitled, “Why is My Mom Such a Bitch?” This test was surprisingly exactly what I was searching for. The internet is magical like that, no matter what you start to search for Google always knows how to finish your sentence and the results are fucking fantastic!

So I took the quiz and the results revealed that my mother was simply suffering from an unfulfilled Prozac prescription. Ah… that did make sense, she is always more tolerable when she takes those anti-depressants.

Then a link on the side of that results page led me to yet another quiz. This quiz was entitled, “Why Am I Crazy”. If you live with your parents taking a quiz, such as this, will truly shed light onto your mental instability.  I gladly took the quiz, desperate for the ever so accurate results page to diagnose me with a legitimate mental disorder.

While taking the quiz, I quickly began to realize how fucking insane I am. I found truth in every question.

For example:

“Do you find yourself engaging in wild, promiscuous behavior”-hmmm yes

“Do you abuse drugs and alcohol?”- YES

“Are you working in a dead end job and still inappropriately living with your parents”- FUCK …YES

I hit the “GET MY RESULTS” button on the last page of the quiz and the truth came out. I was suffering from: mood swings, possible psychosis, borderline personality disorder, schizophrenia, bi polar, tri polar, daddy issues, social isolation syndrome. The list went on but honestly I stopped giving a fuck because that results page had a link on it that led me to the quiz, “Which Disney Princess are You?” This quiz seemed less scary and the results were much more pleasant.

So, the moral of this story is your parents are fucking nuts but at least you are more like Bell from Beauty and the Beast and not that horrific cave woman Pocahontas.


1 comment:

  1. I always go for 'brilliant, not insane'...or how about both? This is the first article I've read since I joined Reddit, Abby, around 1/2 an hour ago. Love your take on mental health or otherwise. Damn, you've written some crazy-good shit.
    Stay sane and keep gulping whatever it is that suits you-fuck 'em if they can't take a joke is what I always say...;)