Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Pretending to Work

If you are like me your first job out of college will be less than ideal. The majority of your day will be spent gchatting, pretending to get your co-workers coffee and thinking about the magic cookie you get to munch on after work.

Below are a few examples of the average day in the REAL corporate America:

The best part of your day will easily be when you have to go to meetings. The term “meeting” is just the adult word for hour long bull shitting sessions about company goals (whatever the fuck that means). In these meeting corporate buzz words like “synergy” and “ROI” will be thrown around as if they have actual meanings. In a meeting your boss can’t get mad at you for not doing anything because you have to be there but we all know that physically being in a meeting has nothing to do with mentally being present.  

About 70% of your day will be spent snap chatting selfies of yourself doing embarrassing things to your co-workers who are also snapping instead of working. 

Then when your boss actually musters up enough faith in you to give you a real project you will have to take a break from gchat to work. You will spend about 2% of your day actually accomplishing “corporate goals”. Once you’ve logged that solid 2% of effort you can go back to achieving your snap chat initiatives for the day.

The rest of your day will be spent bull shitting with the people you work with. Talking about how fried your brain is from smoking so much will be a common topic of conversation. Your older, boring co-workers will discuss how they have to do yard work and other domestic shit and you will thank baby Jesus himself that your life hasn’t stooped that low yet.

You will also take several unnecessary coffee breaks through out the day. Once you’re done getting coffee, you will have consumed enough caffeine to keep a full grown African elephant up for days. At this point your jittering body will be too fucking pumped up to actually do any work.  

Keep on plugging away corporate America … you’re fucking killing it!

Created with flickr slideshow.

Thursday, May 15, 2014

Types of Coworkers

When you get your first job out of college, you will begin to realize how easy it is to get a position in a professional field. The people you work with will make you loose faith in entire institution of higher education.

You will begin to notice that you can classify your co-workers into “types” of people that share consistent personality characteristics. I have generously identified some of these “types” below based on my vast professional experience.

The Dated Hipster:
All hipsters eventually have to go somewhere (like the sad city I live in) to die. They will no longer be able to sustain their “all organic” lifestyle that they once had in their “hipster friendly” city. So these hipsters will have to relocate to a shitty city to live out the remainder of their sad life.

The dated hipster at your company will love drinking French pressed coffee and discussing IPA beers. This person also might have a trendy job title like designer or graphic artist but it’s all a cover up for their, now, basic as fuck life.

The Washed Up Party Boy: 
Whether you work for a large or small corporation there will be tons of washed up party boys at your company. You know this guy… he was probably in a frat of some sort and used to go to the bar seven days a week to sniff out the DTF girl wearing the trashy Victoria Secret perfume.

The washed up party boy probably used to live in a grimy apartment covered in empty beer cans but now lives in a nice home in the burbs with his wife.Today this guy will probably revel silently in his glory days although rarely mention them in fear of being discovered as a used to be party boy.

The Stoner: 
In reality everybody at your sad job probably smokes, however… there is still the one that makes it obvious. This guy probably wears chillaxed apparel and is never concerned with corporate deadlines. He has also probably requested to work “remotely” to maintain his “green” lifestyle. The stoner also frequently requests days off to attend Phish concerts... but who wouldn't.

The Church Goer: 
Amongst all of your hot mess co-workers there will be the one glimmer of hope known as the church goer. This person will come in first and leave last and be dedicated to his or her job. They will also be young with a wife, child and a home in a boring suburban town. And this person is boring as fuck so that’s all I have to say about them.

The New Mom: 
In the corporate world it is not scandalous when a chick gets knocked up (people actually want babies when you get old).  The chick that recently had a baby will come to work but not really give a fuck about her job. She has a baby and even better a baby daddy with the cash money. She has a job simply to get a little shopping money and to not die of boredom at home with her baby.

All of these people will try to offer you advice about career advancement and professional development but it is best to ignore everyone you work with. You have your own agenda after all your "type" would probably be the 22 year taking everybody else’s job just because you know how to use Facebook and Google. Life is good for you ... at least for now so take advantage of it because in a year a 22 year old is going to take your job and classify you as "the wannabe 22 year old party girl who refuses to grow up and get a real job". But that’s an entire year away so enjoy!