Sunday, February 9, 2014

How Much Alcohol is Too Much

Occasionally you'll make your way into the social scene and find yourself with a drink in your hand. Now that you live in suburbia, drinking will become your habitual escape and will be impossible to live without. While some may call this alcoholism, I prefer the term "coping with real life". Whatever you call it, when you live in the burbs partaking in drinking related activities is a must.

But how much alcohol is too much?

When that first drop of alcohol hits your tongue a feeling of uncontrollable lust for more will take over your body. Before you indulge in that second drink, remember suburban people are boring and will judge your drinking habits. But fuck them, self-control is overrated and you still live with your parents so you actually NEED that second drink (and possibly even a third or a fourth …oh fuck it just grab the entire bottle).

The sweet buzz of alcohol will run through your veins and for one brief moment of bliss you will forget your sad fate in life. Soon your alcohol induced happiness will be infectious and others will actually want to interact with you. This is when you should try to make friends because we all know that your sober personality sucks and that SIRI is the last person you had a conversation with.

So, for that brief moment everything in the world will seem magical (the pot you smoked on the way to the bar might also have something to do with that). But then things will take an inevitable turn for the worst. You will begin to think everything you're saying is fucking hilarious and will be too inebriated to notice that you are no longer talking to anyone. Also, you will mention that your cat is one of your only friends and that if it weren't for her life would be meaningless. Then, Whitney Houston's "I want to Dance with Somebody" will start to play and the urge to force people onto a non-existent dance floor will take over.

The final sign that you should be cut off will occur when you begin to talk about your failed career as a Zumba instructor. Even though no one encourages you, you will insist on showing the entire bar how great of an instructor you would've been. As you take the dance floor and begin to awkwardly gyrate your body a manager will escort you out of the bar.

UGH I know people just don't appreciate the beauty of Latin inspired, cardio dance but because bars in suburbia shut down at 9:00 PM you might as well just call it a night. When you get home and reflect on your night, you will realize that drinking is the only thing worth living for but knowing you limit is important.

So, how much alcohol is too much? The amount may vary from person to person but a good indicator is usually when the bar's manager calls the police on you for sexually harassing the other customers.


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