Sunday, March 16, 2014

Five Customer Service Tips

If you are lucky, your first job out of college will come with a salary and a “work” laptop. But if you are like me and the other 1% of the post grad population, your job will be in customer service. This job will pay you nothing so you'll be forced to live with your parents for the remainder of your sad life.

A position in customer service may sound like a nightmare but trust me when I say it’s an amazing “opportunity”. Every time you are forced to deal with a customer you will think to yourself, “thank god I get to interact with another imbecile today… I’m so fucking lucky to have this job?”

Although customer service may seem like an easy gig, there are some difficulties associated with this type of position. So, I have generously put together some customer service tips to help you succeed in your new role:
  1. When a customer asks a question always respond with, “I have no idea”. Customers like dealing with uninformed individuals, it makes them feel intelligent and powerful. 
  2. If the customer does not know English, do not attempt to help them at all. This, my friend, is fucking AMURICA and we only speak English. Helping foreigners is for the Red Cross and Habitat for Humanity not for your sad soul answering phones in Cleveland, Ohio.
  3. If you are answering the phones, put the customer on hold for as long as you can. Customers love waiting on the line and you NEED to finish telling your co-worker about how fucked up you got last night. Everyone knows that customers come second and that inter-office gossip ALWAYS comes first. 
  4. Drink on the job. The only way to actually deal with human beings for 40 hours a week is to drink during work. Your boss is never going to notice that your coffee has a fifth of rum in it or that your water bottle is filled with vodka. Drink up… you are the sad soul dealing with the greater American population all day long… you NEED the alcohol. 
  5. Finally, ignore the customer when they are talking. You’re not going to give the customer a real answer to their problem anyways (refer to #1) so why waste your valuable thinking time listening to their issues. Just keep filing your nails, chewing your gum and looking at because this is really the only way you're going to help anyone. 
So with these simplistic customer service tips you'll be on your way to making your managers proud! And that dream spot in your parents’ basement will always be yours!


Monday, March 3, 2014

The Walk of Shame

A text from my father 

In college the walk of shame was once a normal part of your daily routine. In fact this early morning stroll was not even that shameful. As you meandered through the streets, with your sex hair and make up smeared face, people seemed to be silently cheering for you and your prior night's conquest. However, now that you have permanently relocated to your parents' basement, the walk of shame is no longer as effortless as it once was.

Because of your unfortunate physical proximity to your parents, they may actually want to know where you are at all times. You should never disclose your location to them because you are in the prime of your life and shouldn't be held back by two people who can't hear the TV unless the volume's all the way up. So go out, live your youth and don't worry about the nursing home residents you unfortunately have to co-habitat with.

Through out the night if your parents do attempt to contact you, make sure to silence your ringer and keep on partying. It's always a good idea to keep your parents in the dark especially if you're sloppily drunk and hitting on anything with a heart beat. When you do resurface the next morning, the once silent cheers from your college days will be replaced by the disappointed glances from your conservative parents.

As you try to sneak slyly into your bedroom to sleep off the shame from the night before, your mother will request to have talk with you. She will claim to be "disappointed" in your behavior and beg you to be more "respectful". As she blabs on, you will quickly come to the realization that the pot you smoked on the way home was an AMAZING idea. Your foggy brain will try to formulate some lie to tell her but it's probably best to just remain silent and walk away.

Your high is not worth wasting on this "discussion" and your mom is never going to actually reprimand you so just go hibernate in your room until this blows over. In due time your parents' deteriorating memory will inhibit them from recalling why they were ever even mad at you. So if you're living at home and embarrassed about your promiscuous behavior, you can choose to stay home and watch your ass expand in your sweat pants or you can slip your parents a Roofalin and go live your life.

WARNING- option #2 may have some serious legal ramifications, use with caution.