Pretending to Work

If you are like me your first job out of college will be less than ideal. The majority of your day will be spent gchatting, pretending to get your co-workers coffee and thinking about the magic cookie you get to munch on after work.

Below are a few examples of the average day in the REAL corporate America:

The best part of your day will easily be when you have to go to meetings. The term “meeting” is just the adult word for hour long bull shitting sessions about company goals (whatever the fuck that means). In these meeting corporate buzz words like “synergy” and “ROI” will be thrown around as if they have actual meanings. In a meeting your boss can’t get mad at you for not doing anything because you have to be there but we all know that physically being in a meeting has nothing to do with mentally being present.  

About 70% of your day will be spent snap chatting selfies of yourself doing embarrassing things to your co-workers who are also snapping instead of working. 

Then when your boss actually musters up enough faith in you to give you a real project you will have to take a break from gchat to work. You will spend about 2% of your day actually accomplishing “corporate goals”. Once you’ve logged that solid 2% of effort you can go back to achieving your snap chat initiatives for the day.

The rest of your day will be spent bull shitting with the people you work with. Talking about how fried your brain is from smoking so much will be a common topic of conversation. Your older, boring co-workers will discuss how they have to do yard work and other domestic shit and you will thank baby Jesus himself that your life hasn’t stooped that low yet.

You will also take several unnecessary coffee breaks through out the day. Once you’re done getting coffee, you will have consumed enough caffeine to keep a full grown African elephant up for days. At this point your jittering body will be too fucking pumped up to actually do any work.  

Keep on plugging away corporate America … you’re fucking killing it!

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