Tuesday, July 22, 2014

3 Ways to Deal with People who Only Talk About Their Kids

When you get into the real world mundane things, like your coworkers talking about their children, will make you want to physically harm yourself. For example, I know more about my cube-mate’s daughter, Hailey (age 11 but will be 12 on Friday, on two swimming and soccer teams and loves to bake), then I do about any other person in my office.

If you have children, just a heads up, your child is not special and is probably EXTREMELY average. You are average, your husband is even more average so your kid is undoubtedly average as fuck.

There is no better form of birth control than listening to a women talk about waking up at 5:00 AM to take her daughter to an all-day swim meet. Yeah… never in a million years.

And once the “kid talker” starts there is usually little you can do to direct the conversation elsewhere. However, I have established a few ways to deal with these people in a loving and professional way:

1. If you've heard the same enchanting tale about their kid for the millionth time, professionally acknowledge that you've already heard their story.

Coworker: “Ryan hit a homer in t-ball last Saturday”
You: “Oh really, that story was marginally interesting on Monday, but because today is now Friday I have seriously stopped giving a fuck.”

2. When your coworker talks about how talented their kids are, calmly let your coworker know the truth.

Coworker: “Susie is an amazing artist, look at her picture”
You: “Wow, Bob, Susie’s art looks like a shit I took earlier this morning.”

3. When your coworker wants to know your opinion about how to raise their child, be honest.

Coworker: “Rebecca wants to go to the movie with a boy what should I do?”
You: “Let her go! She’s probably only going to give him an over the pants handy so she won’t get pregnant.” 

Hope that helps! If not self mutilation is always an option!


Thursday, July 17, 2014

Politically Conscious Young Adult

In order to sound like an eloquent adult in social situations you must determine what your political point of view is.

For example, I’m a socially-liberal-fiscally-conservative-anti-organized-religionist. What does that mean exactly? Great question! Let me annoyingly explain my beliefs to you!

Socially Liberal:
Like every 20 something, I believe in fetal termination, sexual/racial/gender equality, legalizing a certain green plant and all those hippy things.

For instance, I don’t want to be cliché and talk about abortion but... fuck it.

If I, a person who has walked away from a parked car with the engine running and every door wide open, got knocked up, even the conservatives would opt for me to be “pro-choice”.

I can barely remember to feed and bathe myself, heaven forbid a child was in the mix. I used to care for children and I was ALWAYS more entertained by Yo Gabba Gabba then they were (granted I was stoned… but that just further proves my point). My non-maternal genes are so apparent that even the government has deemed my uterus, “Not Fit for Procreation”.

So, if a girl can admit, “Hey I’m a hot mess and would really fuck up this fetus” let her do what she wants with her baby oven.

Fiscally Conservative:
Three words. I’M A JEW. Enough said.

I believe that religion is about spirituality and for the Jews, leaving a 10% tip. It is NOT about standing up and sitting down because some "holy man" in a big room tells you to do so. Also, standing up and sitting down is extremely fatiguing and I think even God would agree.

Because I am so wise and worldly those are all of my political perceptions. Consider taking your own stance on a few key political issues. Then, at parties and social gatherings, loudly discuss your beliefs because your views are obviously the ONLY right ones.

The moral of this story is that I am going to Hell for everything written above but it’s America and I can write whatever the fuck I want to … or at least I think I can.



Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Being A Basic White Girl

White girl problems are the worst because they feel soooo real accept they’re not at all. My sister is the biggest white girl complainer of all time. A simple, “How’s your day?” NEVER ends with, “Good and you?”. 

For example: 

Me: “Sara how’s your day?” 

Sara: “Ugh ok… I guess BUT (and there’s always a but) my secretary is so annoying. She always asks me questions.” 

But you have to sympathize with white girl problems, no matter how ridiculous they are or else it'll never stop.

We LOVE bitching. I think we white girls get our fuel for life from Diet Coke and complaining about our first world problems. 

The number one white girl complaint ... our boyfriends.

Like: “Ugh can you believe Ben tivoed over Top Model again last night. Seriously, if this behavior persists I might have to say something.”

But we NEVER confront our problems. As a white girl our most lethal weapon of choice is passive aggressive warfare.

Like instead of letting you know, "Hey don’t record over my show", we just go in and cancel all of your recordings for the next month and blame it on “mechanical error”. 

But the worst thing a white girl can do is not complain about a boyfriend she should be complaining about. 

For example: “Joe called me fat again in front of all my friends last night, he has such a good sense of humor. Things are going to be so perfect when we get married.”

When a white girl isn't complaining about her boyfriend, it’s because she wants one thing. A ring on that finger. 

But we all know that the fat jokes aren't going away just because she has a half karat ring from Macy’s on her right ring finger. 

But all joking aside, there are some legitimate white girl problems out there.

I think the most serious white girl problem is when we go to send a snap chat to someone and the front view of our camera is on. Seriously nothing makes you feel worse about yourself then seeing your double chin in full zoom on your iPhone camera. 

This issue is so serious that I’m thinking of starting a charity for it. My charity will be called “White Girl’s for a More Flattering Front View” and the slogan will be “Because taking a good selfie is hard enough”. 

Keep on being white basic bitches!