Monday, March 3, 2014

The Walk of Shame

A text from my father 

In college the walk of shame was once a normal part of your daily routine. In fact this early morning stroll was not even that shameful. As you meandered through the streets, with your sex hair and make up smeared face, people seemed to be silently cheering for you and your prior night's conquest. However, now that you have permanently relocated to your parents' basement, the walk of shame is no longer as effortless as it once was.

Because of your unfortunate physical proximity to your parents, they may actually want to know where you are at all times. You should never disclose your location to them because you are in the prime of your life and shouldn't be held back by two people who can't hear the TV unless the volume's all the way up. So go out, live your youth and don't worry about the nursing home residents you unfortunately have to co-habitat with.

Through out the night if your parents do attempt to contact you, make sure to silence your ringer and keep on partying. It's always a good idea to keep your parents in the dark especially if you're sloppily drunk and hitting on anything with a heart beat. When you do resurface the next morning, the once silent cheers from your college days will be replaced by the disappointed glances from your conservative parents.

As you try to sneak slyly into your bedroom to sleep off the shame from the night before, your mother will request to have talk with you. She will claim to be "disappointed" in your behavior and beg you to be more "respectful". As she blabs on, you will quickly come to the realization that the pot you smoked on the way home was an AMAZING idea. Your foggy brain will try to formulate some lie to tell her but it's probably best to just remain silent and walk away.

Your high is not worth wasting on this "discussion" and your mom is never going to actually reprimand you so just go hibernate in your room until this blows over. In due time your parents' deteriorating memory will inhibit them from recalling why they were ever even mad at you. So if you're living at home and embarrassed about your promiscuous behavior, you can choose to stay home and watch your ass expand in your sweat pants or you can slip your parents a Roofalin and go live your life.

WARNING- option #2 may have some serious legal ramifications, use with caution.


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