Friday, January 24, 2014

Gym Membership

For every recent grad, shedding a few of those accidental beer pounds becomes first priority upon receiving your diploma. For the first time in four years you will find yourself in an unusual situation. You will have something adults call a “salary” and you should make no attempt to save it at all.

So, you have a shit ton of money and zero friends what should you do? Well…get your fat ass, to a gym! UGHH I know moving is hard and going to the gym really cuts into your drinking alone time. Alas, a gym membership may be beneficial for making those sluts, that are still in college, jealous of your post grad bod. 

Recently, I myself had to face the fact that my late night relationship with cheesy bread sticks may have had some negative affects on my figure. So I joined a gym. Upon joining, I was told that the kind staff at my gym would generously provide me with a non biased health evaluation. Confident in my athletic abilities, I came to the consult prepared to hear how flawless I already was. 

Unfortunately, one step on their “all knowing”, body fat scale revealed that I was unknowingly obese. FUCK! This is something that every post grad will definitely go through. Long gone are the days of simply wandering around the gym in Lulu Lemon looking good. Now, you might actually need to sweat because you probably look terrible in your Lulu Lemons and have for quite some time. Thank god you've been perpetually intoxicated for four straight years and did not notice how fat your ass looked in sweatpants.  

***HINT: Your workout regime will only be successful if your Powerade is actually vodka. Lets get real somethings, like your undeniable alcoholism, will never change. 

Happy Sweating!


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